21st Century Conception with Love

Yep, Lily finally arrived :)

2008-03-11T08:33:00.009-06:00

Ok I am a major slacker for not posting over the last 5 months!!!! Lily arrived October 24, 2007 at 1:51pm. She was 8 lbs 8 oz, and 20 inches long. She came out via an emergency c-section, as the plan to induce me didn't go well -- her fluid was low and the contractions made her heartbeat very erratic. The recovery was hard, and I had my bout with post-partum depression, but she is wonderful and perfect and great. I'm still breastfeeding her even being back in the office...

She's a huge baby now -- like 16 lbs or so, and is happy, cute and perfect, as you can see above! She sleeps through the night like a champ and she loves going new places and seeing new things....

P.S. For those of you that were on FF with me, I'm over at the Mommy Gossip site now. It's just like FF circles, but it's free!

Does she know it's her due date?

2007-10-16T11:54:00.000-06:00

My guess is, no. :( I'm still pregnant. And while several weeks ago I felt ok, I feel SUPER uncomfortable now. I can't sleep, I'm sore constantly, and labor still has yet to start.

I know she's healthy and she's waiting for the right time, but I am getting very frustrated over here. I want to hold her in my arms already.

Waiting on Liliana to arrive...

2007-10-05T13:47:00.000-06:00

So Lily made it to full term! I'm 38 1/2 weeks today, and I've been off work since September 25. The boredom has now started to set in, but I am trying to enjoy myself -- once she arrives, no more boredom for me!

I went to the OB yesterday and no dilation/effacement yet of my cervix, but she said it's getting softer. But labor can pretty much start at any time, so no need to worry. And worst case scenario, she'll induce me when I hit 41 weeks.

So all of those pre-term labor worries in August amounted to jack squat, basically. Oh well.

The Braxton-Hicks contractions have really picked up too, so hopefully that means she will be here soon.

Almost there...

2007-09-13T10:19:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I am 35 weeks and 2 days already. Wow! It feels like just yesterday we were doing our IVF cycle and I was anxiously waiting for the beta results. We are going to be parents sometime in the next 2-5 weeks!!!

Everything is going okay -- I don't even really get the contractions like I was last month, so strange. I haven't taken any medication for it for several weeks. I have my first internal exam next week, so we'll see how far along with dilation/effacement I am then. I'm not expecting much, to be honest...my gut feeling is that Lily is only going to be a little early, maybe a week or so.

DH has been sick for several days, and somehow, I haven't even had a sign of a cold. So whew. The house is done and all ready -- we need to clean, but my nesting instinct seems to have turned itself off mainly due to uncomfortability (bending over is rough these days).

Anyways, I'm hanging in there!

Calmer seas...

2007-08-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, so sorry about not posting something in the past month. I have been a bad blogger!

Basically, things have calmed down dramatically. A few days after I posted, I did have to go back to the hospital for contractions because the Brethine stopped working. They switched me to Ventolin and I went home. And it seems to work for my contractions. I came back to work on August 14, and I've been doing the normal routine ever since with some limits. I'm easing myself back into yoga and very light walking...

Once I hit 34 weeks next week, I can stop taking the medication every 4 hours and take it as needed. I sincerely doubt Lily is going to come early, she'll probably make her arrival in late September to October ;)

Our nursery is 95% done, just need to add the finishing touches. And we're taking some classes at Women's Hospital of Texas -- we had the first half of the childbirth class, and we're taking an infant care and a breastfeeding class in September. Right now, my biggest concern isn't fears about labor for some reason, it's if breastfeeding is going to work! :)

Stuck at home...

2007-07-31T16:26:00.000-06:00

Well, my uneventful pregnancy finally turned dramatic Friday morning when I woke up in pain. It felt like menstrual cramps that would get worse every so often, so the doctor on call told me to go to Labor & Delivery. We got there at 7am, and I was checked in and strapped into monitors. I didn't feel so nervous, I thought it was just a fluke and they would send me on my way, which they did after my fetal fibronectin (preterm labor) swab came back negative. I went home and proceeded to lay on the couch and read the last Harry Potter book...

At 1:30pm, the contractions came back with a vengeance, and that freaked me out. The doctor said to head back to L&D so we did, but this time we were very nervous. I couldn't stop crying, worrying that Lily would show up too early. We got to L&D, and they hooked me up again and monitored the contractions for 30 mins -- I was having them every 3-8 minutes with varying intensity.

So they gave me injections of Brethine, which made me feel all tweaked out but stopped them. I stayed overnight and had an ultrasound...Lily looked happy and great, and is sitting breech right now near my cervix! They weighed her and she is 2 lbs 10 oz...

At 6:30am, they woke me to let me know I could go home, that I had only 2 contractions the entire night. So we went home and crashed, and I chilled for the rest of the day.

I decided to go get ice cream with my husband and take his mom to the airport (she was in town seeing my niece, Lucy, who arrived July 20 at 8 lbs 1 oz), but the car ride started a whole new wave of contractions. I laid on my side for more than an hour praying for them to go away...they eventually did.

Sunday I didn't go anywhere, and the contractions weren't bad. On Monday, I worked from home, and I started having them again around midday, but it was 3-4 an hour. We left for my OB's office at 3:30pm, and they really kicked into high gear...I had 6+ in an hour. The doctor gave me a home prescription for Brethine, which seems to be working most of the time...and wrote me a note saying I needed to work from home until my next fetal fibronectin test on August 10.

I have preterm labor b/c of the contractions, but my cervix is still closed tight. So here I am...I'm not on full bedrest, but I'm not going anywhere either. I think by next Friday I will have gone stir crazy, but it's all worth it in the end. :)

A footnote...

2007-07-20T14:47:00.000-06:00

on the previous post from June. I only gained 3 lbs last month, and I had my glucose challenge test Monday, and no word from the doctor -- so I do not have gestational diabetes. Whew!

Lily's cousin is almost here!

2007-07-20T14:41:00.000-06:00

I've written before about my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and all the crap they have been through in the past 2 years -- their baby dying in utero at 7 months in 2006, and Sean's aneurysm scare back in January of this year just before we did our first IVF cycle...

Finally, something happy for them to celebrate -- my sister-in-law was induced this morning, and any minute now (or perhaps already), their daughter Lucille (Lucy) will be born!!!! We're picking up her daughter (who's 14, from a previous marriage) after we get off work and going to see her.

My heart is literally swelling for them, especially after all the bullshit they have had to deal with in the past few years. This is a truly happy day for them, and I hope they have happy days in the coming weeks, months, and years as Lucy grows. Also, Lucy and Lily are going to be only three months apart, and I already know they will be very close.

I may bust out crying when I see her, I'm so excited!

Battle of the Bulge

2007-06-18T15:35:00.000-06:00

Well, back from my monthly OB appointment, and I gained 8 lbs in a month. I am speechless. I weighed myself last week and it showed a 4-5 lb weight gain from the previous month. That puts me at 23 lbs total for this pregnancy so far. JEEZ.

I feel like I am doing something wrong -- but I'm eating healthy 90% of the time and I'm exercising to some degree nearly every day. I even took up swimming in the last week (which, I think, might be why the weight jumped 4 lbs in a week if I am packing on the muscle).

I'm also getting paranoid about gestational diabetes considering the weight gain. I feel really stressed and depressed over this now -- I was feeling as if I was doing everything in my power to stay in shape, and I can't control it.

The only thing I can think of is fruit, which I have been craving like mad lately.

I think we have a name...

2007-05-25T15:01:00.001-06:00

Chris came up with this. I still love Layla, but this is super pretty and has a cute nickname too:

Liliana Elizabeth

....and we'll call her Lily for short. I'm wondering now about the spelling and how it goes with our English last name. There's Liliana and Lilliana, and they both are pretty...

Anyways, give me your suggestions. I have 21 weeks, give or take a few, to decide!

Team Pink

2007-05-21T12:15:00.000-06:00

It's a girl! And she wasn't shy about showing it off either -- she was doing backflips and mooning the camera!!! We're so thrilled to have a daughter...

Now comes the name decision. If you've read my previous posts, my favorite name is Layla. Chris wants to mull the options, so we're going to each come up with a list and decide.

3 days and counting....

2007-05-18T13:18:00.000-06:00

until the anatomy scan ultrasound! I am so excited to find out 1) that our baby is normal and healthy and 2) if we are expecting a boy or a girl!

I've had the slight intuition that it's a boy, but I am beginning to question my own intuition, wondering if it's all the "predictions" people have given me for the most random things -- all the old wives' tale BS basically. So I am open to whatever we find out!

Right now, I am also counting down the time until my SIL's baby shower is over -- it's going to be gigantic (like 60-75 people). So if I can make it through this weekend, YES! :)

An apology...

2007-05-11T10:07:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to extend an apology for those of you who have been reading my blog to see how the pregnancy is going. I've been a major slacker!

Work has been kicking my butt, basically. So here's the rundown -- I'm in the 2nd trimester now, my belly finally popped out last week so I am actually starting to show a little at 17 weeks! Feeling pretty good these days -- I was getting massive headaches for a week or so, but I am over that aspect for now.

I'm working out more -- walking/light weights at the gym twice a week, yoga twice a week, and walking my dogs outside while the weather is still nice. It turns out I gained 7 lbs in a month btwn my 10 and 14 week appts (yikes -- 12 total for the pregnancy), so I've cut down on the splurging and I'm back to exercising -- ice cream EVERY day probably isn't the best idea, pregnant or not.

We find out in 10 days if we are having a boy or a girl (hopefully), so looking forward to it. I'm betting 60/40 on a boy. My intuition is sort of telling me it's a boy, but that could have been all the old wives tales about no morning sickness being a boy. I took a bunch of "old wives" quizzes on the sex online and they all say girl, so we shall see!

Right now, my focus is on pulling together all my cash to renovate our house and get the nursery done w/new carpet by mid to late August. We plan on starting in mid June -- about 2 months later than planned, thanks to the IRS. :( On the plus side, Suzanne or Chris Jr. will be a great tax savings this year!

That being said, I will hopefully have a new car by tonight. I'm going to be a bad consumer and not put any money down (since that is all for the house), but no matter -- the Honda Element will still be the same car payment as my other car, and is a cute family/dog functional car...no worrying about spills or messes anymore!

I'll post a belly shot this weekend...the file is at home. Hope that is enough to satisfy all you readers :)

Catching up...

2007-04-14T16:49:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I posted something. Not much to say here really (for once). I'm in the 2nd trimester now, still not showing -- but the maternity pants are fitting me better and better each week. I'm debating with my husband weekly on the nursery decor, even before we know what the sex of the baby is!

Still, I keep on thinking about what we'll do to conceive #2 -- which is so odd, considering I still have 6 months of pregnancy to go with #1! I blame the hormones...which I also blame for my recent stint of absent-mindedness -- in one week, I lost my car keys and my yoga bag.

Also had a bad string of luck lately - some a&*hole broke into my Paypal account and transferred $2000+ out of my checking account! Luckily, my account had only $40 in it (day before payday), so my overdraft protection kicked in.

Anyways, such is life, I guess. It could have been much worse...

Writing a blog about writing...

2007-03-28T16:23:00.000-06:00

How circular is this. :) I decided my weekly blog topic for today would be writing a book based on my blog posts. Try to wrap your head around that one...

I've had a lot of women from FertilityFriend.com, where I've been posting every since we started trying to conceive in January 2005, send me messages saying how much my blog meant to them. To me, that's really damn cool that my writing, sharing my feelings and situations, can actually affect another person. Is that the point of writing after all, to get your message across to your intended audience?

I'd have to say, the audience for this blog, and for a book if I chose to compile one, would be twofold: a guide for women dealing with infertility, and an educational piece for those that do not suffer that same fate. While I know that what I have written could be a guide for those either going through IVF or on the fence about doing it, I think the biggest challenge in writing is going to be imparting how it really feels to go through all of this to someone that is fertile, to someone that assumes that people that do IVF are selfish and want to run up the cost of health care for someone else.

Those ARE the people I want any book of mine to convert, to pull the wool back from their eyes, and for them to truly experience what it is like walking in my shoes. I wonder though, how do you influence someone to consider an opinion drastically different from their own?

This is something I will ponder over the next few days -- what prompted these thoughts was this post on FF earlier today that was taken from a discussion group from another site about IVF. 90% of the people on there were either men and women who had to complete or try the IVF process to have children, or who have friends and family that have gone through the process and support the decision. And of course, there was the obligatory 10% that said that all women going through this process were silly, selfish, and were unfairly taxing our health care system (little do they know that only certain companies and states offer this insurance coverage, and the procedures are about as cheap as your average surgery in a hospital).

I think the quote that hit me the most from this post was this:

These women are morons. I hope they all go broke in their pursuit of having a baby. On second thought, no I don’t or then we’ll have to pick up the tab when they file bankrupt.

On the face of it, something like this pisses me off to no end. But when I look at it, I wonder if the guy that wrote this, if his wife, sister or buddy was dealing with infertility, would say something as callous and asinine as this.

Ultrasound withdrawal

2007-03-21T16:14:00.000-06:00

After seeing our baby 3 times on the ultrasound in just 3 weeks, we have to wait 2 months to see him/her again at the 20 week ultrasound! Chris is in major withdrawal, he was having so much fun taking the ultrasound and playing with it in Photoshop!

We're spoiled after going through IVF, and my new OB pretty much told me the same thing -- that the patients who have gotten pregnant with IVF come in expecting to get an ultrasound each visit! Oh well :)

We got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler, and it was beating nice and steady at 140bpm. It was 172bpm about 2 weeks ago, but as the baby grows, the heartbeat begins to slow to somewhere between 120-160bpm.

Anyways, 2 months and counting until we get to see our baby again :)

Layla or......?

2007-03-14T16:15:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I am already thinking about names. Hell, I was thinking about names when we started trying to conceive back in December of 2004. Now it's some serious decision time, since our baby will be here in 7 months!

The week before my beta last month, I had a very vivid dream where we had twins from this IVF cycle named Derek and Layla. For those of you poor souls unfamiliar with those two names, "Layla" is one of the greatest rock songs EVER. If you haven't heard it, I feel for you.

Eric Clapton, who was the frontman for the band Derek and the Dominoes (hence Derek for the boys name), wrote "Layla," a tale of deep unrequited love for Pattie Boyd, the wife of Beatle (and his friend) George Harrison. It's based on the Persian love tale of Layla and Manjun, the story of a man who is driven mad with love for an unattainable woman. The lyrics themselves speak of true longing, passion, and heartache:

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long.
You know it's just your foolish pride.

Layla, you've got me on my knees
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind

I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down
Like a fool, I fell in love with you
Turned my whole world upside down

Layla, you've got me on my knees
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain

Layla, you've got me on my knees
Layla, I'm begging, darling please
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind

So there you have it, it's a really long song too, because it has this really long piano solo at the end that totally rocks. After I had this dream, I downloaded "Layla" onto my iPod and listened to it whenever I would begin to worry about the upcoming beta. I even listened to it in the waiting room of my doctor's office before they drew blood the first time!

That is the only girl's name I have in my head right now, and nothing else works. So whatever the gender is, this child's name will most likely be Layla...or something else. I'm not as picky about boy's names, probably because of my strong desire and hope that this is a girl!

Graduation Day

2007-03-08T19:03:00.000-06:00

I've officially graduated from my reproductive endocrinologist's office! I had my last ultrasound there today, and all is well. The embryo is growing bigger and bigger each week, and the heartbeat was 172bpm. I am 8 weeks pregnant today, and tonight is the last night for progesterone. No more! I'm a normal pregnant woman now. :)

The cold is starting to get better finally, taking today off to rest was the right call. Although I think my lack of activity has contributed to some weight gain, I've gained 3 lbs since my doctor's visit last Friday! I guess weight is only going to go up from here...my work pants and skirts still fit, but my jeans I really can't wear anymore, they are too constrictive...I'm already wearing some maternity jeans...

But I'm not showing yet, I just look like I've put on a little weight! I also tried out my yoga dvd today, and it was great. Actually made me feel a little better to stretch out my body...

I'll post a ultrasound picture soon, my husband has all of the scanned picture files at work!

Beats morning sickness, I guess...

2007-03-06T14:44:00.000-06:00

So I have a cold. No infection luckily, according to the blood work my family doctor ran today. I can take Actifed, Sudafed, or Benadryl for the "drip," and plain Robitussin for the cough. At least I know what is relatively safe now.

And like my title says, I'd rather deal with a nasty cold than be puking! :) At least I can still eat...

Major slacker....

2007-03-06T10:37:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I have been such a slacker about posting to the blog lately. I guess I was using it more as a tool of stress relief, and I'm not really that stressed anymore...:)

So an update -- we saw the heartbeat again last Friday (March 1), beating nice and strong at 152bpm. The baby looked like a peanut or a cashew now -- and had already grown so much since the last ultrasound! Based on its size last Friday, my EDD was moved up to 10/18, and the ultrasonographer expects that the size will catch up back to my original EDD of 10/15 (based on ER day) or 10/16 (the estimated date the RE did based on where the embies were at ET).

My next ultrasound is Thursday, and that will be the last one at my fertility clinic! I've already slowed down the amount of progesterone I was previously taking (a shot now every other day, and these suppository things 2x a day instead of 3), and my first OB appointment will be March 21. I'm excited!

On the down side, I've developed some sort of cold or sinus infection, it blows. The RE recommended some antihistamines for me that aren't working, and they are unsure about Claritin (what usually works for me). So I am going to the GP's office today to get something for the infection, and ask what i can safely take for seasonal allergies. From what I have read, nasal sprays like flonase are fine for pg b/c they are inhaled directly and don't go into the bloodstream like oral drugs do.

Stranger in a strange land...

2007-02-26T16:41:00.000-06:00

It's weird being pregnant, beyond the whole "my body is completely changing" thing. It's weird being pregnant after being told that conception naturally was virtually impossible, and worrying for years that having a child of our own was not in the cards.

Our dreams have come to fruition, yet I still feel isolated from most women that got "knocked up" the good ol' fashioned way. It's almost like they don't even know what it's like to go through what I went through. And I don't know what it's like to experience the joy of getting a positive the natural way...but at the same time, they don't know what it's like to long for something like we have -- and maybe they didn't experience the extend of the sheer joy and happiness I felt when I found out I was pregnant. It's a two-sided coin.

At the same time, we decided not to tell people that didn't already know how we got pregnant, so it's incredibly strange and surreal to think that everyone assumes we conceived our child naturally! My dad even told my mom after I told him the good news that he thought our unborn child was an accident. Can you believe that? I think this pregnancy is the most planned it could possibly be!!! :)

One beautiful heartbeat....

2007-02-22T13:14:00.000-06:00

The wait is over, and we have just one single baby on the way. :)

The sac looked normal and measured at 5 weeks and 5 days, about 4-5 days behind the time estimated from the egg retrieval date. So they estimated my due date for October 20. And we saw and heard a heartbeat at 106bpm, it was so incredibly cool to see it!

While having twins would mean that we wouldn't have to resort to IVF a 2nd time, and would be an instant family, I am relieved and happy that it is just one. We're both hoping for a girl, since all of the children among our friends and family seems to be 95% boys, but all I care about is that the baby is healthy and happy!

I have another ultrasound on Friday, March 2, and I set up my first OB appointment for March 21st. :)

(Also, please don't send me comments that you know the gender of the baby based on the heartbeat. Just as I found out about beta numbers/doubling times and multiples, there is no correlation between the speed of the heartbeat and the gender. The only way to tell gender in utero is an ultrasound, and those can also be inconclusive. Thanks, and sorry to get on my high horse!)

Are we in Twinville?

2007-02-15T16:20:00.000-06:00

Much to my relief, my second beta results came back nice and strong, but just strong enough to make me wonder if there's more than one down there!

My hCG level Friday (13dp5dt) was 192. Today (19dp5dt), my hCG level was 3,218! That equates to a doubling time of 35.41 hours. Typically in a singleton pregnancy, the hCG doubles every 48-72. So I either have one strong embryo growing down there, or two! (And yes, I guess 3 is still a possibility -- yikes).

In any case, I am so relieved that everything is going well and the unknown # of embryos down there are growing at a nice, strong pace. The first ultrasound is Thursday, February 22, I have one more beta on Tuesday. Yay!

The 2nd beta wait...

2007-02-13T17:02:00.000-06:00

At first, I was relieved that my 2nd beta blood test wouldn't be until Thursday, but now, I kinda wish it was sooner! I am sure that everything is fine -- I still am having nausea/acid reflux off and on, those stretching cramps, etc...but it's nice to get that 2nd number and know your doubling time...

I woke up last night at 4:30am to pee, and I couldn't go back to sleep for an hour. I had the usual twinges down there that kept me awake, but it was just some random thoughts in my head, mainly worries about financial crap with twins and child care, etc. It's not clear yet if there are one or two (or even three) down there, but I will know more after this beta this week and it will be fairly certain after my first u/s.

I would write more, but I'm really freakin' sleepy -- yet another symptom I have experienced lately. I think it's time to hit the road for home, jump into some comfy clothes and relax!

Surrealism

2007-02-12T16:14:00.000-06:00

Wow, being on the pregnancy side of things is flat out surreal. Maybe not as oddly surreal as a Salvador Dali painting (Persistence of Memory is my favorite -- heehee), but it definitely doesn't feel like it's real yet.

I walked into Babies 'R Us yesterday afternoon to pick up these lollipop's my clinic recommended for morning sickness. And it was crazy...this was a place I avoided like the plague when we were trying to conceive, and when I walked in, it just hit me like a ton of bricks, we're going to be parents!!!!!

And here's some more surrealism -- I had to tell my boss this early that I am pregnant, but it couldn't be avoided. He set up this big trip to Singapore for me for June (a month long excursion) late last week, and needed confirmation of the dates ASAP because someone was coming over from Singapore to the US to work in my absence. Well, I thought about it this weekend and talked about it with Chris, and I decided it was best just to tell the truth. It went well, he was happy for me, and he was completely understanding when I told him it was early on, and I didn't want anyone else at work to know.

I realized today as well how much I love working for my company. The insurance benefits paid for 85% of my IVF cycle, the health coverage for maternity here is fantastic, and get this, I will get 26 weeks paid leave! It's 100% pay for the first 4 weeks, then 2/3rd after that, but this is great! I can stay at home until our baby (or babies) is 6 months old!

So I'm almost glad and relieved I don't have another beta pregnancy test today at my doctor's office -- it would be something to worry and obsess over. Now I can just sit back and let reality sink in before my blood test on Thursday. Hopefully, I will have my first ultrasound about a week from Thursday (Feb 22), it depends on where the hCG levels all -- they want it to be about 3,000-5,000 to do the ultrasound so they can see something...

And this picture below speaks 1,000 words -- it's what I sent via text message to our friends that knew we were doing IVF #1 this cycle:

The wait is over...

2007-02-09T18:02:00.000-06:00

I am pregnant! Beta was 192! My next beta is Thursday....and probably an ultrasound after that.

I am still in shock, but we are so happy that IVF worked for us. Thank you to everyone who has read this blog through this roller coaster ride, you have been there to support me in some of the toughest times...

But the payoff is worth it, I am so thankful that we have been given this miracle!

The Jeopardy theme song is playing in my head...

2007-02-09T11:11:00.000-06:00

You know the one -- it's become synonymous with waiting on someone, or something, especially when there is pressure on the line.

At 9:15am, they drew the blood for my beta pregnancy tests, and we will have an answer later this afternoon. The wait is finally over, but this has to be the most agonizing part of it!! :)

But I'm feeling pretty optimistic, especially given the symptoms I have had for the last 2 weeks. The nausea seems to be getting a little worse each day -- I felt pretty good yesterday afternoon, ravenous though -- and Chris made me red beans & rice w/sausage, one of my favorites. But my stomach didn't take too kindly to it, and I dealt with some indigestion/heartburn for the rest of the night.

After chewing on some Tums, it got a little better when I fell asleep, until I woke up at 2am feeling queasy and blech! I ate some crackers and Tums again, until I woke up again at 5am starving, and then again at 6:30am to a rumbling tummy.

Anyways, trying to be distracted by work, by Friday's are sometimes slow, so it's not helping!

More later....

Hump Day

2007-02-07T11:58:00.000-06:00

No, not that kind of humping! ;) Though I have to admit, my thoughts have strayed to the gutter lately, probably because we haven't had sex in what seems like an eon (it's been 3 weeks and 1 day, I just figured it out). And even though I have a headache and I feel nauseous/crampy, I still miss it! I don't think we've ever gone that long without in our 7 year relationship...

See, I am straying from the subject. Hump Day is Wednesday, meaning the work week is more than half over ("over the hump," so to speak). For me, that also means that my wait for the beta pregnancy (pg) test that seemed agonizing on Monday is more than half over. Whoohoo!

So symptoms, let's see -- still getting those weird sharp pains that like flare up out of nowhere, usually on the left side. I had one so bad last night that it caught my breath, but it only lasted 30 seconds...generally it's a little tender down there, and I am past the period of time when effects from the egg retrieval surgery would still be felt (that was 16 days ago). Still, the hormones could theoretically cause it...

I got a brief reprieve from the stomach stuff yesterday afternoon and evening, which was good and bad at the same time, because the lack of it being there made me question if it was really a pg symptom or just something I ate/hormones. Well, it came back in the middle of the night when I woke up, and I've had it for most of the morning -- though my acupuncturist's advice (drinking hot water steeped w/a slice of fresh ginger and a little honey) seemed to calm the worst part of the nausea/indigestion this morning...it's still off though.

And there's headaches and fatigue, but that could also be the hormones. So there's no "magic bullet" is what it comes down to once again, but I do know that something is different with my body, and that gives me some hope and solace. :)

If I do get a + beta, the next focus of my obsession is going to be how many are down there! ;) Because I won't find out for several weeks after the test w/an ultrasound, and given how early my symptoms have started (if indeed I am pg), I'm already wondering if it's a multiple pregnancy!

3 more days to go...

2007-02-06T11:54:00.000-06:00

One day closer to the beta. Whew. It's getting a little better, because I am beginning to think that there is something very different going on with my body, and it's not just the hormones.

I bought Maalox last night, and it worked briefly last night, but it did not do a thing this morning. I've felt queasy and gassy all morning long. I just took some more about an hour ago, and while it's not quite as bad, it's still there. My stomach is really not happy right now!

And there's the runs -- ugh, I'm not going to describe those. :)

Cramps really haven't stopped either -- they come and go -- all of a sudden, I'll feel a very sharp, intense pulling down there, almost feels like stretching, and then it goes away. It's usually on the left side of where I get menstrual cramps (where I assume my uterus is), and I've felt it a few times on the right too. And last but not least, the headaches...luckily I don't seem to have that bad of a headache today.

So in a nutshell, my body is feeling very strange, but I'm getting really positive about this.

And I also want to thank everyone from FF that left me comments yesterday! You guys are the best, and I really appreciate all the support you have given me this cycle. Your words keep me smiling. :)

The baby boom continues...

2007-02-05T16:32:00.000-06:00

So I know yet another person who is going to have a baby in 2007 -- this is getting out of hand. It's the wife of a colleague at work who lectured me one night over a beer how I should be a mom and how I would be really good at it (ugh). Of course, I couldn't tell him the real truth about why we haven't had kids yet, I had to make up some excuse about how we were having too much fun to worry about kids, we weren't ready, etc.

Since that night, I just had a feeling that his wife would get pregnant before me, and well, he announced that she's pregnant, but I have no idea when the due date is. I was right.

And there is a VERY VERY good chance that I am pregnant at this very moment, but I'm still on the edge of uncertainty here with a sour stomach, a headache, a backache and cramps that could all be from the hormones I am taking, and I just feel a little sad.

This is going to be such an emotional week for me, and it's going to be so damn hard to deal with failure. I know I will survive it, and my wonderful husband and I will make it through the pain no matter what, but it's going to be hell to go through, especially dealing with pregnancy all around me (family, friends, and now at work).

Of course, I really feel as if something is going on far different in my body than just simple side effects from hormones, and that I am pregnant. Part of me seems to know that, but I'm afraid to really believe it until I get that beta test back.

All I can do is be hopeful and positive for now, unfortunately, and it's just hard to do that when you feel physically ill. I'm going to try some stomach stuff the clinic recommended, and hopefully that will clear it up. As potentially exciting as these stomach-related symptoms are, they are messing with my head and my mood.

Anxious as hell...

2007-02-05T10:35:00.000-06:00

It's only 4 days to go before the beta, but it's hell. And I know some of you are thinking I could just buy a home test and find out one way or another, but the thing is, I can't. Even if it was positive, those things are not 100% accurate like a blood test, and it still might be too early to even register a + on a home test, especially given my track record with any sort of urine-related test (the ovulation ones never worked for me, and I ovulate normally).

Still, the itch to test is getting strong, and I decided that part of that reason is because I am spending a good amount of time on the FertilityF*iend.com chat boards, where everyone is pushing me to test early or others in my same position have tested early and gotten + tests. So I have decided for my own mental sanity and happiness that I am taking a break from that site all this week until Friday afternoon, when I will post my results on there.

And I have had stomach problems to add to the list of possible signs starting last Friday. They have continued through this morning, along with strong headaches and the cramping. Still, this could all be symptoms for the hormones I am taking, or it could simply be that I am indeed pregnant. But I won't know conclusively for another 4 days.

I almost wish I had zero symptoms right now. I think having all these things happen is just messing with my head. I've been trying to focus on the present and relax, but it's difficult. I'm still trying though!

A love letter to Chris...

2007-02-02T10:41:00.000-06:00

With everything that has happened in this cycle, I feel as if I love my husband Chris more and more every day -- thanks to all his strength, assistance and support. I may be the one that is getting poked and prodded, but he's the one that is giving me hope and optimism when doubts cloud my thoughts. As I write these words, tears well in my eyes -- but that could also be the hormones. ;)

There's a song I listened to before the embryo transfer last week, and I've played it now and then when I've walked to my car on my iPod. I think it expresses how I feel about him right now amid the roller coaster of this IVF cycle.

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before I know
I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before I know
I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Spots

2007-01-31T10:50:00.000-06:00

My husband is lovingly calling the 3 embryos still growing down there "spots," petting my belly now and then and saying hi to them, and responding whenever I mention how it feels achy and weird down there that "spots are just playing around." He's so awesome, and he even found the 7up spot pic for me to use w/my blog today. :) I hope he knows how much I love him....

I'm back at work today, and it's a little difficult adjusting from my warm, snugly bed in the house with pjs and movies to watch to sitting at my computer doing crap. (well, I'm not doing too much yet, since I am working on my blog now!)

I decided last night pre-emptively to leave work early the afternoon of the "blood test results" call so I can be alone when I get the news. If I am here, I will have to suppress my emotions either way, and that's not good if it's positive or negative -- so even if I am in my car on the way home, I will be alone. Makes me feel so much better about not doing home tests before the blood test on February 9.

On a good note (I hope), the pulling I was feeling on my left side isn't quite as intense today, and has shifted to more of an ache down there, almost feeling like it does a day or two before my period arrives. That could be a very good sign, but I am aware of the fact that the extra progesterone I am taking can also cause cramping from time to time...but to me, this feels weird, different than I have felt before.

Cross your fingers for me, we're still 9 days away from the blood test!

Pullin' like the dickens

2007-01-30T16:43:00.000-06:00

So it's my last day of bedrest, and it was much needed. This month was so stressful; my body and mind enjoyed the rest!

I'm feeling far more positive today than yesterday. To have leftover embryos in IVF is pretty much a bonus, not a goal -- the goal is to get 2 or 3 of the best embryos for a fresh transfer. And we accomplished that, and transferred 3 of them! :)

I hope implantation is happening now -- I've noticed a slight pulling on my left side since Sunday (1 day after transfer), and it has increased through today, where I can really feel something. This could be one (or several) embryos implanting right now! I'm sending all my love down to them right now...

10 more days until the blood pregnancy test. The urge to test is going to get stronger as I get closer, but I'm going to be strong for my own good. I've already had some sadness come our way in the way of Monday's news about the remaining embryos, and I don't need to see stark white negative home tests to make me sad. As far as I am concerned, if I am pregnant, finding out earlier or later isn't going to change that fate.

And my stance now is that the blood test is just a formality. ;)

Working without a net....

2007-01-29T21:40:00.000-06:00

Every process has its setbacks, unfortunately.

We got some somewhat sad news this afternoon -- none of the 5 remaining embies made it to freeze. So we're working without a net here -- basically if no positive pregnancy test, I have to grow through the same process (a fresh IVF cycle) all over again.

When I got the news at 2:30pm, I became very sad -- I was thinking of those embies as my children, and my plan B if this didn't turn out. I called Chris and he came home and snuggled with me -- we talked and decided that it wasn't meant to be for those 5 embies, and we should focus all of our positive energy on the 3 in my uterus right now...

There are 3 good quality embryos possibly implanting right now, and they need my strength and optimism.

I'm feeling better now. :) I still have a good feeling!!

Triplets? :)

2007-01-27T18:25:00.000-06:00

About 12 hours ago, we arrived at the fertility clinic for the embryo transfer -- bleary-eyed and sleepy. I took 15mg valium at 5:30, so I was feeling pretty chill. They called us back about 6:45am, I changed into a gown and hair net (my husband put his on too), and we went back and I laid down, jamming out to my ipod playlist (Beatles, Pink Floyd, etc).

My RE came in about 7am, and gave us the report -- all 8 embryos were still growing, but only one had made it to full 5 day blast stage. 2 others were morulas, the stage just before blast stage, and we're also progressing. Since we only had one full blast, he recommended we transfer 3, and we agreed with his decision. After all, he's the doctor who has done IVF thousands of times, so he knows when to make that call.

After about 10 minutes of them preparing our 3 embies (he called them enie, meanie, miney, but not moe), we went back into the same room where I had my egg retrieval, put my legs up, and got ready. He stuck the catheter in, and I barely felt a thing (my cervix was open and the valium paid off), and in less than a few minutes, the 3 embryos were transferred back to my own personal nursery for them :)

I listened to "Thank You" by Alanis Morrissette (see my Jan 1 post), which has some significance to our trying to conceive journey and my own personal growth. So we left about 15 minutes later -- and my sister-in-law and niece came over with roses and chocolate! I felt very loved. :)

Now it's the waiting game, but I feel very good about our chances. I'm not worried about triplets, I know that I have done everything possible to make this cycle a success...and at least one of those embies will implant.

Last night, during my pre-embryo transfer appointment, I was visualizing my belly growing, Chris and I lovingly looking at ultrasounds of our children (I was visualizing twins), giving birth and seeing Chris hold our beautiful children with tears in his eyes, and it made me feel so happy.

I feel so good about our chances...and I will wait until February 9 for our first beta pregnancy blood test. I don't plan on using home tests until then. As far as I am concerned now, I am pregnant until proven otherwise!

Speedy Gonzalez and his 6 compadres

2007-01-25T16:18:00.000-06:00

Here is today's embryo report (day 3): 7 of the 8 embryos are growing well. One is a grade 1 (meaning no fragmentation) and has 8 cells. One is a grade 2 (meaning slight fragmentation, but good quality) and has 11 cells, which I have named Speedy Gonzalez.

The remaining 5 are all grade 2 embryos and range from 5-8 cells. Typically, 8 cell embryos are considered to be progressing well on day 3, but can be slightly behind or ahead (hence, Speedy).

The eighth embryo isn't doing so well, and they don't expect it to make it.
But it looks like we should have some good ones for Saturday to transfer, and possibly a few to freeze!

Some of my fellow IVFers online joked that Follizilla (see below) -- the giant follicle on my left side fertilized and turned into Speedy Gonzalez. LOL When I told my doctor about my name for the big one at my scan last Saturday, he said, "that's the one that will probably get you pregnant." ;)

This part of the cycle has been a nice break -- I've been visualizing being pregnant, doing my daily guided meditation, and taking time to breathe and think about my embies every day. Work has been crazy this week, with two major computer network crashes right in the middle of the day. I have kept my cool with laughter and steadiness, so I am SO proud of myself. I truly think my E2 levels are finally plummeting, and I'm returning to my normal self pre-BCPs, Lupron, and stims!

Keep on truckin', embies!

2007-01-24T13:27:00.000-06:00

I got today's fertilization report from the lab -- all 8 embyros are continuing to grow and range from grade 1-2 (1 being the best, 4 being the worst), so it definitely looks good! She said they range from 2 cells to 5 cells, which I guess is normal for day 2.

I'll get another report tomorrow. I'm trying to send tons of good vibes and love to my lonely embies sitting in the lab, maybe letting them know in some unconscious way that they are loved and they will soon be safe and sound in my belly. ;)

Strangely enough, I am at home right now working. Our internet totally collapsed at work today with no hope in sight, so we scattered to home and to hotels to finish our tasks. It was a little bit of a stressful situation being the manager on hand to coordinate with 10 people, but I'm proud of myself. It was exhilarating, but I didn't have a breakdown, I didn't freak out, and I took it all in stride with humor and patience.

I have my back massager on right now (ahhh), and a heating pad on my lower belly where it's still a little tender from the egg retrieval. This is almost serendipitous...I could use another day in comfy clothes!

Octuplets

2007-01-23T20:59:00.000-06:00

I decided to stay home another day -- I was still kinda sore, and mentally, I could use the rest. I did a few work tasks from here, but I mainly stayed on the sofa and watched movies. And waited for the phone to ring with my fertilization report.

The clinic called around 1:45pm with the report -- out of the 14 eggs they retrieved, 10 were viable. Using Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI -- where they inject a sperm into each egg), 8 out of the 10 successfully fertilized and were continuing to grow. The IVF coordinator said that we were going forward with a 5 day transfer for Saturday, which implied to me that the 8 embyros were developing well.

At first, I was a little disappointed. After such a fast run with the stimulation drugs (most women take 10-12 days, I took 7), and the super thick lining I instantly developed, I thought that the fertilization would be just as outstanding -- 10-14 embryos growing. But I think I set my expectations a little too high, and I got a little overly excited. It turns out that 60 to 70% of eggs typically fertilize with ICSI, so 8 out of 10 is actually beating the odds, when you think about it.

And this IVF cycle isn't about getting embryos to freeze, it's about getting the best possible embryos to transfer back 5 days later. If there are any extras, those are a bonus.

So I'm starting to feel better and better about all this. All I want is 2 good quality blastocysts to transfer Saturday. If we have no extra, so be it. Even if we have 2 extra (and chances are, we will), then we'll have a Plan B in place with Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

I am sending all my love and good wishes to our children waiting to come back to us in the lab right now...we've successfully conceived octuplets.

Baker's Dozen plus one

2007-01-22T11:24:00.000-06:00

Egg Retrieval (ER) went well this morning, it was hella early at 7am, but I wasn't hungry so that was good. They knocked me out completely, but only for about 20-30 mins -- and they retrieved 14 eggs! My scans showed 13-15 follices, and if you take off Follizilla at 24mm (possibly overmature), this is great!

My Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) was very pleased, he said that 10-15 eggs from ER gives you the best chance of pg...because there's enough to get some good embies, but ER's of 20-30 eggs can lead to poor quality.

I'll have a fertilization report tomorrow. I'm a little sore, but no big deal..:)

Time to say goodbye to the eggs

2007-01-21T12:25:00.000-06:00

Well, my ultrasound Saturday morning went very well. Lining is still thick at 13mm, and I had 15 follicles 16mm or greater, which meant they were at the point to "trigger" using a shot of hCG (which, incidentally, is the hormone the human embryo releases after implanting). Oddly enough, that shot "triggers" the growing eggs in their follices to mature.

The egg retrieval is tomorrow at 7am, bright and early. It's going to suck time wise, but like the IVF coordinator at my clinic pointed out, I won't worry about being hungry or thirsty if it's that early! (no food or drink after midnight since they use an anesthetic for the procedure) We can get breakfast afterwards, probably to-go. :)

So at the very least, there will be 15 eggs...how many successfully fertilize and grow is out of our hands...

Follizilla

2007-01-19T11:07:00.000-06:00

Yes, that is the name I have given to the monster follicle growing in my left ovary...

I had my first ultrasound and estradiol (estrogen) monitoring appointment Thursday morning, and it was surprising. I have 13 follies growing right now that they can see on the ultrasound.

Wednesday night was my 5th night of the ovarian stimulation drugs, using 300 IU follistim and 75 IU repronex. The lead ones Thursday were 23mm (hence, Follizilla), 18, 15, 13, 13, and 12...and I have 7 10mm follies as well. The IVF coordinator is already talking about a possible Monday ER!

The lining of my uterus was 13.5mm, which is very thick. They usually want anything over 8-9mm for the egg retrieval (ER) to facilitate implantation.

The E2 (estradiol level) was 1785, which the coordinator said was good, slightly on the high side but good. She said that it was possible that Follizilla at 23mm might be putting out lots of e2. They switched my protocol to no follistim and 225 IU of repronex Thursday night and Friday night to make sure the little 10mm guys catch up, and then we'll see how it looks Saturday morning.

So it will either be a Monday ER or a Wednesday ER (not Tuesday, b/c they do a 5 day embryo transfer, which would be Sunday, and that doesn't happen). Originally, they were estimating Wednesday or Thursday of next week for ER, so I am ahead of schedule. Wow.

I think Follizilla was what was causing me so much pain on my left side, since it was crowding the ovary. I'm noticing both sides now, so I hope the 4 little ones on my right side are catching up!

I'm very excited, and I am feeling extremely positive. My lining is fantastic, and I'm producing a large number of eggs, but not large enough to impede quality, I trust. Acupuncture, I think, is making the difference.

It may be hard to sleep tonight, but luckily I have an acupuncture appointment tonight after work. And my Anji IVF meditation CD has been very helpful....

Playing Doctor

2007-01-17T15:25:00.000-06:00

I may have mentioned this before, but I thought it would be a fun topic to expand upon today.

This IVF stimulation phase is actually fun! I thought it would be grueling with having to plan around shots, having to do shots, etc., but I kinda like it. I think it all goes back to my dream of being a doctor when I was younger. I was considering pre-med in college, but decided to be lazy and do a social science/pre-law degree (poli sci major and econ minor for me). I didn't even end up going to law school. :)

Now I have my chance to really play doctor at home, and it's neat to measure all these drugs and inject them. I actually am controlling the stimulation phase of my cycle, rather than passively going to a doctor for all this stuff. It's cool! I wonder if my husband likes it too -- he also started out as a pre-med major and ended up getting a communications/PR degree....

That being said, I'm getting really pumped b/c I'm feeling all sorts of sensations down there. Some of it is discomfort, especially when I have to pee, but at least I know something is happening down there! I'll know more tomorrow after my ultrasound and bloodwork to measure estradiol (estrogen). They want to make sure w/the bloodwork that I won't be overstimulated...

Off I go again to the bathroom! :)

Year of the Golden Pig

2007-01-16T16:38:00.000-06:00

A woman posted this on FertilityF*iend.com today, thought it was a nice omen:

I guess this upcoming lunar year will be the year of the golden pig. I did a google search and found the follow snippet: Beijing, Jan 14. (PTI): The predicted "baby boom" in the Year of the Pig (2007), has badly affected schools in Shanghai as many teachers have applied for maternity leave, the state media reported. According to the Chinese traditional calendar, the next lunar year is believed to be the Year of the "Golden Pig". Such a year comes only once every 60 years and babies born in this year are believed to have luck and fortune and a long life.

So maybe that's why it's taken us so long to get here to IVF #1! :)

On another note, I need to calm down at work when these stressful situations arise. It's really the nature of my job -- I'm dealing with traders all day and sometimes they can rant and rave, and they were ranting during the busiest part of the day. I can't take leave during this time, they need me here -- so I'm just going to have to deal with it.

And the best way to do that is to rely on what is already in my toolbelt -- remembering to breathe, remembering that worrying about stress just causes more stress, and instead I should focus on how to return to peace and serenity inside than worrying about the stress affecting our cycle. Being mindful of those feelings, recognizing them and gently breathing and calming myself down is the best way to solve this.

I'm actually glad to have 3 days bedrest (4 including ET day), it will give me a LONG break from my job!

1997, the sequel...

2007-01-15T08:19:00.000-06:00

There's an ice storm coming to Houston, Texas. Yes, Houston -- where it's so unbearably hot and humid in the summer we all stay inside and quickly run from one air-conditioned bubble to another. I have no idea how anyone could live here before A/C was invented, that and mosquito repellent.

Nevertheless, old man Winter is about to descend his fury in Houston late tonight and tomorrow morning in the forms of freezing rain and sleet. Unlike most people, I'll have to work from home, no "snow day" for me. It will give me something to do, and I really love working from home -- I seem to get so much more done, and no one bothers me!

What's funny about this ice storm is that one similar to it hit Houston the exact same weekend (the Monday and Tuesday following MLK weekend) 10 years ago in 1997. I was a freshman in college at Rice, and I had just made it back to the dorms Monday night for my second semester to start Tuesday. The ice storm descended on the city, shutting everything down for two days. Except for Spec's liquor warehouse (the big liquor store chain here), and of course, one brave soul from our dorm made a Spec's run in the ice.

I think about now all that has happened to me in the past 10 years of my life. It really feels like it was yesterday. But I know that way too much has happened, so it does feel like that was really a decade ago, when I was a 19 year old college student dancing across campus for "ice storm parties," singing drunken tunes with my friends.

Now, I'm a 29 year old woman here at home with DH in my pajamas, and for the last two nights, we did the first stim shots for my IVF cycle...I'm not drinking a lick of liquor, and we've been playing bowling and golf on Nintendo Wii for the past two days and watching the NFL playoffs.

And you know something, I'm right where I belong, and I'm happy. I feel so positive about this cycle, and it seems to be going along smoothly, one day at a time. So 10 years later after the 1997 ice storm, another one is about to approach -- and I'll remember these days for the rest of my life, the days when we both lovingly conceived our child (or children)...

Floatin' along

2007-01-11T16:44:00.000-06:00

Hi there, not much to report here -- it's day 5 of Lupron at 10 units, and tomorrow is the baseline ultrasound and teaching appt for Follistim/Repronex injections. The newest side effect of the Lupron is hot flashes, I'm feeling unusually warm right now, and I'm not sick...the headaches are mild now, but I think part of that has to do with stress.

Work was boring today! But I loved every minute of it....no major stress, no fires to put out. This is how it needs to be all the way through ET, and I will be fine!

It's getting more and more real to me every day, the fact that this is really happening. When I begin the ovarian stimulation drugs (called stims, for short), I think it will feel even more real -- it's less than 2 weeks now to my estimated ER date, I can't believe it's so soon. That means that we will have successfully conceived in 2 weeks, wow. I've been waiting for this for nearly 2 years.

I took a walk today in the beautiful park near my office -- I've come to view it as a sort of sanctuary or church where I can get away from the stress of work and this cycle and just simply be. During that walk, I began to think about how I would feel if this cycle ended without success. I know I would be upset, and that is a given, unavoidable. But I knew at the same time that I would not blame myself for the failure, given that I tried everything in my power to make it a success. I have and I will follow the doctor's instructions to a T, as well as the advice of my acupuncturist.

As long as I have tried everything, and I end up without a pregnancy, all I can do is look to the future, and hope that a second fresh cycle, or perhaps a frozen embryo transfer if there are embryos left over, will bring me success.

But to be honest, some part of me seems to already know that this is going to be it for us. I can't explain it -- but I feel really positive about things. I think it's how we ended up here, and the serendipity and good fortune that seemed to get us to doing IVF at this exact point in our lives. If we had done it back in 2005, I don't think it would have been as successful. My company suddenly adding fertility coverage right when we were running out of options means something in the grand scheme of things.

So here I am, about to take the giant leap into the next phase of our IVF process, ready to meet whatever challenges arise with a positive attitude and the blessings, love and support of all of our loved ones.

Loopy Lupron

2007-01-10T12:06:00.000-06:00

Man, this Lupron is giving me some headaches...luckily, Tylenol seems to dilute their power a little, and acupuncture gets rid of them! So no big deal -- my acu said last night that my pulse reflected the "textbook" impact that Lupron is supposed to have on the female body, so that's great news. My body is doing what it should in regards to this medicine.

In 2 days, I'll have my baseline u/s, and if that is clear, it's stims Saturday night! I really can't believe how fast all of this is going, and I feel so good about all of it. It feels like we are finally going to be parents!

I had some challenges yesterday at work -- too much going on and lots of stress. But instead of being bogged down by it, I called my manager and told him with "medical" stuff and the intensive mentoring I'm doing for some of my employees, the extra workload was too much. Without batting an eye, he took that extra work (and source of my stress) off my hands. Whew. I feel so much better now.

Still, little or large stressors in life are bound to pop up during this cycle, and I need to meet them with a clear mind and the tools I have at hand. If I just remember to breathe and focus, I can deal with these. I've been worried that extra stress will mess up our chances, but in reality, worrying about stress causes more stress, it's a vicious circle.

Things will happen, and by speaking up when things are too much, and focusing on relieving immediate stress rather than worrying about how it will affect things, I am dealing with my stress in the best way possible.

Of course, it probably didn't help yesterday that I had a major Lupron headache! Oh well :) I'm not noticing it as much today.

It's really starting!

2007-01-08T17:33:00.000-06:00

Well, it's started officially. My husband gave me my first Lupron shot on Sunday morning, and I gave one to myself this morning (yikes!). The only side effects I've noticed are mild, dull headaches and increased thirst.

I'll take my last birth control pill Wednesday, then my baseline u/s is Friday. If that is clear, that means I start stims on Saturday, only 5 days away! My protocol is 300 IU of Follistim and Repronex, plus 5 units of Lupron starting Saturday.

I can't believe this is actually happening. I have a very good feeling that we will get our bfp this cycle!!! My only concern is work stress interfering -- however, that work stress will only make a difference, I think, when ET rolls around, and I'll be off work 4 days for that w/bed rest! So I'll be watching great movies like the entire Star Wars series (6 movies), and Lord of the Rings...and I think those movies together total like 27 hours of tv watching. So that covers about 2.5 days. :)

In any case, I knew when I found out we would have insurance coverage that I would get pregnant this cycle. Stress is going to happen, I can't avoid it -- but what I can do is remember all the tools I have under my belt here: mini-relaxations (such as counting w/breath), meditation, guided meditation, and some of the mindfulness training I picked up from reading and my meditation class. When any possible stressor arises, be it from IVF cycle, work, home, etc, I need to breathe in and out, recognize how and what I am feeling, and then take action to relax and be here in the present moment.

Tonight is my last yoga class for a month (and maybe longer) -- I'm going to miss it. As a replacement for exercise and the relaxing feeling it gives me, I'm going to try to walk w/my doggies in the mornings instead and do my Anji IVF guided medtiation CD. I'm so glad and thankful all of this is finally happening. I have a strong premonition that we are going to be parents after this cycle.

Life can turn on a dime...

2007-01-05T16:50:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted all week long. But something life changing happened to my husband's brother that has kept me occupied.

My mind is still a bit distracted from the upcoming cycle right now. We had a really crazy scare on Tuesday. My husband's brother, who is like my big brother, went to the emergency room at 5am Tuesday morning with a massive headache, and had a seizure on the way there. Turns out he had a large brain aneurysm that was leaking blood -- we rushed up there ASAP and waited with his wife (who's pg -- whoa), and waited with her while he had surgery. Luckily, they were able to fix everything and he's recovering well in ICU now. He's 36 and has no health problems, before this happened.

The doctor said he dodged a major bullet...

We're still doing IVF this cycle, like my SIL said, "finally, some good news" when she heard this was going to be this month. However, the combination for work, this family crap, and the upcoming cycle has twisted me in stressful knots .

I had a little mini breakdown Wednesday after work -- it was an incredibly busy day and the reality that my BIL, who's like a big brother to me, almost died finally hit home. I cried for a while, but I went into my house, listened to a 45 min guided meditation for deep relaxation, and woke up feeling great.

I had acu Thursday, my zen meditiation class started last night and it's good, and I have a massage in 30 mins. I feel a little out of sorts today, but I think I'll be okay...work will slow down next week.

All this crap with my BIL made me realize two things even stronger 1) mortality is a very delicate thing, so seize the day and live for the present NOW and 2) after dealing with the stress of Tuesday, when we didn't know if Sean was going to live or die, this IVF cycle is a freakin' cake walk in the grand scheme of things. I just need to remember that every moment of the day!

Thank you, Silence

2007-01-01T15:45:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! 2007 has finally arrived. New Years Eve was a very memorable day. I went to a meditation yesterday for 1 1/2 hours -- it was powerful.

I've never meditated that long before, but there was something about all the positive energy and peace in the room that made the experience so powerful. The meditation teacher suggested before we started to focus on what we have accomplished this year, and what will begin next year. Also, to focus on those who have taught us in various ways this year.

I pondered on all of these themes, and about halfway through, I began to thank the people in my life who had taught me in one way or another. I even thanked those who made my life more difficult, but who I learned from the most. All of a sudden, I felt this overwhelming since of love and gratitude that I had to fight back the tears. The lyrics to this Alanis Morrisette song just started playing at full volume in my head, and I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

We've come so far in this journey, and not only have we had some fortituous events happen for us lately with insurance, etc., but this journey has made me into a better person by leaps and bounds. For that, I am eternally grateful for the challenges we have faced.

I listed the song lyrics to that tune that "popped" in my head during the New Years' Eve meditation. The song could apply to various challenges a person can face in life -- depression, materialism, poor self-esteem, body image issues, etc., but I think the message really is the same -- in silence, in meditative thought, in mindfulness of the present moment, we can rediscover our better self, the divine that exists within all of us -- and any challenge can be overcome.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when Im filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you india
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you india
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you india
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

Hello Goodbye

2006-12-28T12:48:00.000-06:00

It's December 28. 2006 is almost over, and it will be 2007 in 4 days, when my IVF journey really gets underway. I realized today when I was walking to pick up lunch at work that I am truly at a crossroads at this moment in my life, where everything is about to change. It's truly mind-blowing when you really begin to think about it....

In life, when one door closes, another opens. This can happen every moment we experience, where you say goodbye to one situation and welcome another, either willingly or unwillingly. At any moment, your life can change, and such change is inevitable, it's the nature of life itself to change and evolve.

This crossroads for me has its origins two years ago, back when we found out in April 2005 about my husband's male infertility issues. It was the day Star Wars Episode III came out in theaters (yes, we are geeks). We had already bought tickets in advance, so we went to the movies that night just to take our minds off that reality cataclysm. It was a good movie, but I have to say, seeing Padme pregnant w/Luke and Leia was hard to deal with on that given day. :)

Here I am now, the afternoon of December 28, 2006, about to take the first step on a path that has laid before us since that sad, fateful day back in April '05. Everything is about to change, and I'm not scared or worried. In fact, I feel this incredible sense of hope for some reason. I know and am fully aware of the chances that it will fail, but somehow fate has led me to this exact point by a long, arduous path -- and there's a reason why it took us so long to get here, I think.

So, it's nearly time to say hello and welcome the challenges that lie ahead with my IVF cycle next month, and say goodbye (hopefully) to trying to conceive and infertility!!! (hence the "Hello Goodbye" EP cover from the Beatles above).

Walking in my shoes

2006-12-26T14:28:00.000-06:00

It's amazing what a walk can do...I didn't really follow exactly what you are supposed to do in walking meditation (i.e. softening your focus and not letting things in the landscape distract you) -- rather, I let the landscape guide my meditation, and kept aware of each moment by breathing in and out.

It was such a beautiful day, and that park is so peaceful and calming, I think that may be the place I go once the craziness of next month begins...

The sun was shining, and the landscape felt so serene. There's a duck pond at the bottom of the park (the park runs downhill), and I saw a mother duck walking in the grass and sunshine with two ducklings.

As I looked at them, an odd thought came to mind -- it's entirely possible that this duck is not the biological mother of these ducklings, that she is simply there as a guardian, but is every bit a mother nevertheless, especially to those outside of their reality looking in.

It may sound a little hokey, but that thought calmed me and made me smile -- that I can be a mother regardless of how IVF turns out for us, and all that matters is that bond, that sense of caring and love, not genes. And family isn't about a genetic pool, it's about familiarity, safety, and love.

So there's a plan A: IVF in January, and a tentative Plan B: Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) if we have embryos remaining as soon as possible after that (probably Feb/March). After that, we'll reassess if those two plans fail, but I know that I can make the choice to be a mother if I simply look at all the options in front of me: adoption as well as Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART).

Keep hope alive...

2006-12-26T11:45:00.001-06:00

I started my 2nd week of birth control today, and there's only one more week after this one! Time is beginning to move fast...

So I'm feeling a little down today, and it may be partially to blame on the fact that I am working all this week when everyone else is off. But another part of it is that in my IVF buddy group on FertilityFriend.com, 3 out of the 3 women that did IVF in December all had negative pregnancy tests. I'm beginning to wonder and worry how I could handle such news...

The odds for success for us are pretty good at 60%, but nothing is guaranteed. I know all I can do is take care of myself, pamper myself when needed, and try to everything possible within my control to improve our chances (e.g. embyro glue, meditation, acupuncture, weekly massage)...

I'm going to go for some walking meditation since it's so beautiful (and cold) outside, there's a really nice park just a few blocks from my building. Maybe I can find some peace, serenity and hope there.

Forget your troubles, c'mon get happy....

2006-12-24T10:18:00.000-06:00

I have to make this a quick one as the husband is waiting for me to get my ass in the shower..LOL

I realized yesterday how much happier I really am than I was a year ago, or even 5 years ago before all this TTC (trying to conceive) stuff started. I've always been kind of a bitter person when it came down to it, not able to find joy with every day life, feeling as if I had missed out on some grand future for myself...I'm not really sure where it came from -- maybe my dad's emotional abuse when I was a kid, maybe the sense of alienation I felt in high school from everyone...

So in reality, I don't think I was emotionally ready to handle a child before this infertility challenge arose -- this whole journey has improved my outlook on life immensely, and has changed me into the happy, giving person I always aspired to be. I know now that when our child is born, I have the patience, joy, and optimism within me to be the best mother possible...

This TTC journey has unfolded exactly as it should, and I am a happier person because of it.

P.S. In reference to the post below about Chris' stepmom, I realized something. We have BOTH dealt with infertility -- while I don't know the exact nature of what her and her first husband dealt with, her only child is adopted. She has struggled and suffered in the exact same manner as me, and that may have left her feeling angry and bitter about life -- hence her negative attitude.

All I have to do when I am around her is know that we share a common bond. She may not be aware of it, but I am -- and one day, perhaps we can bridge the gap between us and share our experiences.

Dealing with people you can't stand

2006-12-22T11:07:00.000-06:00

Oh the holidays -- I usually love family gatherings around this time of year, except with my husband's dad and stepmother. It's not so much my father in law as it is her. Like I said this morning in one of my chat rooms, I don't know how much meditation it would take to negate the fact in my mind that she is just plain rude to me.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt when I meet them without judging them -- so I tried to give her several chances, despite how my husband detailed how this woman said horrible things about her stepson (my husband) behind his back when he was actually living under their roof. It's clear she doesn't like me, and no matter how I try to be cordial, the woman won't even talk to me when I try to be polite now...

Luckily, I only have to see her once a year (around Christmas time), but maybe I'm being a little more sensitive about it this time around because my first IVF cycle is around the corner.

The picture above I took at a party earlier this year as a joke when some of my friends and I were all doing obnoxious faces into the camera. It's a book my friend Alicia had, and right now, I wonder if I should call her to borrow it and do a cram session before Sunday lunch with my husbands side of the family LOL

But I have the tools right here to handle dealing with someone I can't stand. And honestly, dealing with a nuisance and stressful situation like this is really good practice for the IVF road ahead....so here's my plan of action:

Sunday morning before we leave:
-Meditate for about 20-30 minutes, maybe taking some of cues from Buddhist "loving kindness" meditations -- I'll try to employ them with her.

At my brother in law's house:
-Simply be as nice to her as I can, show her that whatever ill she harbors toward me doesn't bother me.
-If I become angry or annoyed with her, step away from the room and focus on my breath. Also, recognize the negative emotions I am feeling as I focus on my breath.

I should count myself lucky -- while my dad can be hard to deal with from time to time, I have only one person in my family with whom I have major issues.

All about my mother

2006-12-21T15:46:00.000-06:00

I was trying to think of something to post about and a recent situation with my mother came to mind. She knows what is going on with us in great detail, and has been very helpful and sensitive throughout the entire process.

But first, some background -- when we first found out about Chris' issue, we barely told anyone, except for a couple of my very close friends. Family was not told, and I think this may have been partially to blame for some of the emotional turmoil we both felt. When I decided to start going to a therapist in December 2005 (about a year ago around this time, to be precise), the therapist and I discussed in our very first session how we were keeping our struggle with infertility from our loved ones. She compared it to being in a pressure cooker, without any chance to release or "vent" any of this pain and suffering to people that want to be there for us when we need them.

The caveat to this, she said, is that you have to choose who can handle this news and treat you with the respect that you deserve. I knew without question that my mother could do that. My father, however, was a different story. Without writing a 10,000 word blog, I'll just say this -- my father does not have the emotional maturity to handle news like this, especially since the root of our infertility issues lie with his son-in-law, not his daughter.

So I came away from that first therapy meeting in December 2005 with that wonderful bit of advice, and I put it right to use. On Christmas Eve 2005, I found myself at my parents' house, the traditional place for our family holiday gathering. My 5 month old nephew and my cousin's 1 year old daughter were both there, and everyone was ooooing and ahhhing over the babies. Luckily, no one said the "when are you guys going to have kids?" line, because I literally could not have handled it.

And on that night, I decided to tell my mom. I don't know if it was the champagne, or being around babies in my family and feeling some sort of intangible emptiness, but I wanted to share what I was going through with her. I pulled her aside after the gift opening and we talked. At first, before I fully explained the situation, she gave me the "relax, it will happen eventually" line. But when I explained to her how severe the situation was, she understood, and asked me how we were going to proceed. Since then, my mom has been entirely respective of me and my feelings, knowing that I don't want my father to know what is going on.

I didn't realize though how hard it must be for her, that she may want to share this information with him, even a glimmer of it. Luckily, she asked me yesterday if she could tell my dad that I was having trouble getting pregnant and I was going to have a medical procedure done in January. I thanked her, first of all, for getting my permission, and we discussed the issue and both decided that telling him a lie would probably be more stressful and damaging than just omitting the truth until a more appropriate time...

I've been feeling this overall sense of blah this Christmas, primarily just at how materialistic it all has become. But when I think about how my mom has be there for me, Christmas then becomes a reminder of all the joy and support loved ones can give each other -- and that's a gift that outshines anything that can come wrapped in a box.

I'm greatly thankful to have her around. I know she'll be there for me regardless of how this IVF cycle turns out, and beyond.

Livin' on the edge

2006-12-20T16:28:00.000-06:00

Ugh, these birth control pills have turned me into a really MOODY person. Especially at work, everything seems to be grating my nerves and I have no patience. I'm also struggling with mindfulness, as when I get annoyed I have a hard time returning to my breath.

I'm going to have to make myself go and meditate during my lunch break rather than eating at my desk...I think that might help me a little. It's going to just take practice...I wish I had the option of taking leave off for my IVF cycle, but I don't think that is going to happen. I need the money and this is something I can manage, it's just going to take some patience and practice!

As I type right now, I am breathing in, and breathing out......

I'm officially tossing my hat in the ring...

2006-12-19T17:21:00.000-06:00

Yep, I took my first birth control pill today, and while I think it has giving me a bad headache all day long (LOL), I felt as if I was putting my chips on the craps table, throwing my hat into the ring, and all of those cliches about taking a risk when I swallowed that first pill.

Uncertainty is scary -- it's what drove me bonkers back when we were waiting to find out if my husband's fertility could be improved post-varicocele surgery, it's what makes any woman trying to get pregnant nuts in the two week wait while seeing negative test after negative test. Being in control of a situation allows us to behave rationally. Toss in a little risk and uncertainty to a situation, and while waiting for the ultimate outcome, panic, anxiety, worry ensue.

So how to handle this -- how does one respect the downside without becoming too frazzled, and how does one deal with the upside without getting one's hopes up too much? And with IVF, the stakes are so much higher than betting in Vegas, buying a lottery ticket, or even being a day trader in the stock market. Money comes and goes, but having a child is an emotional and biological urge so innate within us...

As I walked my dogs this morning, I thought about this -- what does taking a risk with something like IVF really mean? What I realized after pondering this was that if you don't take that leap of faith, if you don't toss your hat in the ring for fear of how depressing a failed cycle could be, you'll never have the chance to get that big fat positive. Period. You have to take the risk, you have to make the jump in order to get that payoff.

The downside has to be respected for what it is, but what I will try to remember is that the potential payoff is worth it, and you have to take the risk to get the reward.

Zen and the art of peeing on a stick...

2006-12-18T16:59:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I really need to take my own advice. I say these inspiring, thoughtful things to people about how they should proceed, especially in the infertility realm, and then I do the exact opposite of what I say when it comes to me. Life is so funny that way.

Anyways, I wrote this to one of the women in my buddy group who is in the two week wait of her IVF cycle, when she has seen many negative tests:

Just remember my mantra: "if I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. If I'm not, I'm not." It's a very Zen thing ;) Really, it's all about being in the present moment, and welcoming the future without trying to prematurely predict it. Early testing can make one feel like they have some sort of control over the unknown. And after all this bs our bodies go through in IVF, I can only imagine that needing to have that hold, that control over the unknown has to be intense.

But at the same time, testing early can make you feel like the situation is even more out of your control when the bfns start showing up like mad. So in one's attempt to maintain some hold or domain over what the future might hold, you (in the general sense) feel even more like everything is spiraling out of control.

Took me a lot of thinking to get here, but this is my take on it now. I'm going to post this in my IVF blog so I can read it EVERY DAY during the 2ww when the urge to test early is gnawing at me!

It's true. When we first starting trying, I thought every pang and twinge I felt was me being pregnant (little did I know). I got sick in January 2005 and because it was a week before my period was due, I swore off medication and barely got any sleep because I swore I was pregnant. I tested every day for 3 or 4 cycles, and I wasn't doing BBT charting, so my period getting later and later (30+ days), made me believe I was pregnant.

I burned myself out then (and a hole in my wallet) testing every day. Now, after all the crap we've been through and all the soul searching, cognitive restructuring I have done, etc. etc., I've come to the realizations above. Now let's just hope I can take my own advice come early February!

Happiness is in the present moment

2006-12-17T17:14:00.000-06:00

I was just taking a shower, and my mind was thinking 20 steps ahead -- what if this IVF fails? When could I do a 2nd fresh cycle? Will I do an FET (frozen embryo transfer) instead? How will I cope? etc. etc.

I have a tendency to do this -- I'll hear someone say something, and I'll wait and respond with something 4 or 5 logical steps ahead, and they may not know what I am talking about :) However, with this sort of procedure, I need to remember to take things one day at a time, one moment at a time, for that is how to find peace and happiness.

Thich Nanh Hanh, a Zen Buddhist monk and scholar renowned for his writings and lectures on mindfulness, wrote in a book I read recently that the past and future are all in the present moment. Sometimes, we dwell on the past and our mistakes, or we worry about future events and their outcome. But right now, at this exact point in time, we exist in the past, present and future, all simultaneously. By focusing our attention here, right now, we can find peace, solace, and happiness.

This is my challenge as my IVF cycle unfolds, to live each day mindfully despite all the ups and downs of this process. If I remember to breathe in and out, and ground myself in the present, I believe that I can attain peace, solace, and happiness in the present moment.

In the beginning...

2006-12-17T16:41:00.000-06:00

Well, here I am. 2 years after we decided it was time to start a family together, and I'm about to begin taking birth control pills before my first in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in January. What a journey it took to get here. I'm excited to move forward with the process, but there's a backstory to every beginning that has to be told....

We were married nearly 4 years -- we traveled, partied (a little too hard at times), and enjoyed each other before deciding in December 2004 it was time to add to our family). Like any couple trying to conceive at first, it was a lot of fun...;)

I had been on birth control bills several years prior to December 2004, so I knew my cycles might take a month or two to adjust.Then we reached April 2005, with no success and my cycles were getting longer and painful. I decided then it was time to seek medical advice, so my gynecologist ran some endocrine blood tests for FSH, testosterone, estrogen, etc. Everything looked normal, so she recommended me to my current reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. MacWilliams...who upon seeing me surmised that my problem was likely that I wasn't ovulating, and a progesterone test proved that.

Dr. Mac (as he is called) recommended I go on Clomid on my next cycle to induce ovulation, and prescribed Provera to bring on my period (Aunt Flo -- AF). He also recommended, as a precaution, that my husband Chris have a semen analysis.Thank God he recommended that -- the sperm results for Chris' first SA were dreadful: 100,000 per ml. Normal is 20 million per ml. Motility was 15%, and normal is above 50%.

The RE recommended Chris go to a urologist to find out what the situation was, and that IVF with ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) was, realistically, our only chance to conceive our own child together. Unfortunately, Dr. Mac wasn't the best presenter of this news to Chris...but in all honesty, I really don't know who could have told us that and left us with a "positive" impression. The news is simply dreadful and tragic, when one first hears it.

We could have skipped the urologist path, or only done preliminary testing, and jumped right into IVF/ICSI, like so many others do. However, we had no insurance coverage summer 2005 for IVF, and we were not in a financial situation where we could afford it then. Plus Chris wanted to see if the problem could be fixed with urology, or at least have his count and motility go up enough to do intrauterine insemination, IUI, a more affordable option.

So we waited. Chris went to Dr. Lipshultz, a relative expert in reproductive urology here in Houston, and I tried to come to grips with the reality of our situation. Further SAs showed that his count was a little better than that initial test, but not much -- count ranged from 1 to 2 million per ML, and motility ranged from 15-30%. DNA fragmentation tests were, luckily, normal. Hormonal tests proved inconclusive, but an ultrasound found a varicocele and the doctor recommended surgery to remove it and a testicular biopsy.

Chris had this surgery August 2005, and while I was hopeful, a dark cloud was beginning to fill my thoughts. I knew it would take several months before we knew if a difference was made in his sperm paramaters, and I did not think I could mentally handle such a long wait to see what our future would hold. The uncertainty alone affected my sleep and my overall mood, and I began to drink heavily and smoke again, rationalizing that I might as well enjoy myself since we couldn't have a child any time remotely soon.

Just after this, my sister-in-law (married to Chris' older brother) announced her pregnancy after trying for two months. Two months! And oddly enough, his brother Sean also found a varicocele after Chris warned him that he might also have similar infertility problems. Obviously, he didn't.

And to be honest, my relationship with Dana, my sister-in-law, was strained even before this. I could not talk to her about her pregnancy, or even be in the same room as her, without my head filling with thoughts of anger, jealousy, and depression. This didn't only focus on her, but EVERY pregnant woman I saw filled me with rage and envy. And these negative emotions made me feel incredibly guilty for being so insensitive and cruel to my own family as well as complete strangers.

Things began to spiral out of control. I couldn't talk to Chris about infertility without breaking into tears. Every time my period started, I wanted to scream and cry. I avoided Sean and Dana because being around them reminded me of what we didn't have, and how much money, pain, and suffering it could take to finally have a child of our own. I stayed out later and later and avoided coming home.Then, one night, I stayed out till 1:30 am on a weeknight, and didn't even call Chris because I didn't want to wake him, so I told myself. When I came home, he was in a rage because of how insensitive I was. He told me the next day that unless things changed, our marriage was in serious jeopardy.

That's when things began to change for the better. I read Conquering Infertilty by Dr. Alice Domar, which made me feel like I was not alone in all of this, that all these negative feelings I had hated myself for feeling were normal! I began therapy with a psycologist who specialized in infertility, and Chris also joined me. We went through this for four months, and we came out of it with a much stronger relationship.

I began yoga, which I completely fell in love with -- I stumbled across a great teacher, Alexis, and I have been attending her classes regularily. I also began meditation within those classes, and started doing it on my own with guided CDs. Last month, I began solo meditation and began reading books on mindfulness, and found even greater inner peace.

There were still setbacks: Sean and Dana's baby died in the womb at seven months due to complications with an omaphocele, a hole in the abdomen that can happen with the umbilicile cord doesn't detach properly. After all the jealousy and anger I felt towards that baby, my nephew, feelings of self-loathing began to emerge again -- but with the help of therapy, yoga, and reconnecting with the grieving parents, I found peace with this.

We tried acupuncture for a few months in the summer of 2006 to get Chris' sperm count up to IUI levels, but it proved to be unsuccessful. Just as we received news of that disappointment, I found out in September 2006 that my company was adding insurance coverage for IVF starting January 1, 2007!

I knew then that everything we had gone through -- the disappointment, Chris' surgery, my own inner battles with my negative emotions and self-destructive behavior, our marriage in crisis and its rebirth -- ALL of this was meant to happen so when the door of opportunity opened for IVF, we would be emotionally ready for it.

I've learned to accept our situation and I'm ecstatic to be doing IVF in January! Sure, it would be fun just to have a glass of wine and a night of wild sex to conceive our child, but I know that's not the way it was meant to happen for us -- that we needed to go through this difficult, life-changing process to both be ready for our child (or children). I know there are no guarantees w/IVF, but I also know that fate seems to have lead us here by a difficult path, but has lead us here nevertheless - and that HAS to mean something for our chances.

This is the beginning, and I welcome it with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind. I'll start birth control on Tuesday, and then it's a short 2 week wait to order the drugs, and 3 weeks to start Lupron.